BudChuck

Let me start this off by giving you a little biographical information.  Houston Astros pitcher Bud Norris has a 10-10 record with a 5.21 ERA in his 27 career starts.  You could call him a poor pitcher, maybe even mediocre.  However, when facing the St. Louis Cardinals, Bud Norris transforms into a being more powerful than any ever imagined.  Suddenly, he is the perfect mix of Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Sandy Koufax and Cy Young.  He is BudChuck Norris.

Norris has a career record of 5-1 with a 2.27 ERA in 6 games against the Cardinals.  That's right, folks.  Of his 10 CAREER wins, literally half are against the St. Louis Cardinals.  Because of this unbelievable mystic surrounding Norris.  The Cardinal writers have taken to tweeting random facts about BudChuck during the games in which he is pitching against the Cardinals.  Below are just a few of the BudChuck tweets that came out during the game on Tuesday night, when BudChuck when 6 innings and allowed 4 earned runs in an 18-4 thumping that the Astros gave... well, apparently it was the Quad Cities River Bandits, not the St. Louis Cardinals.

Dusty Baker once had Bud Norris throw 168 pitches in a spring training game, Norris complained about the "short outing."

Waivers pass through Bud Norris.

Bud Norris can calculate his VORP in his head -- after every pitch. #

Bud Norris already is an Avatar.

La Russa called the bullpen and got Bud Norris' answering machine.

Bud Norris was the muse that inspired Axl Rose to finish "Chinese Democracy." Look it up.

It was going to be Bud Norris Week before he introduced the producers to his workout partners, the sharks.

Bud Norris produced the new Arcade Fire album.

Bud Norris knows that it's way cooler to take his talents to South Padre.

Bud Norris is going to hit Alex Rodriguez's 600th home run. #BudChuck

Bud Norris made his own cleats. Out of his extra teeth.

Bud Norris would hit a would-be homerun off himself then rob himself of a home run at the centerfield wall, and then pitch a perfect game.

Bud Norris doesn't throw a changeup. He just throws a fastball and makes the rest of the world speed up by 11 mph around it.

Bud Norris does not throw a slider. He only wills the hitter to believe it's a slider.

Bud Norris could play 3B for the Cardinals and pitch against them in the same game.

Bud Norris actually understands the BCS formula.

Bud Norris has announced Favre has retired. No playoffs for the Astros means plenty of time for Bud to lead Vikings to the Super Bowl he couldn't.

Bud Norris just came up to the press box and offered to write the game story for tonight. All of the game stories for tonight. #budchuck

Bud norris was just traded to the cardinals and hit an 11-run homer to take the lead. (Clearly this was written when the Cardinals were ONLY down by 10).

Champions are the Breakfast of Bud Norris.

Bud Norris slammed the door to the training room, and the lineup card went on the DL.

This game isn't in Hi-Def. The world isn't ready for Bud Norris in HD.

Bud Norris occasionally makes errors on purpose just so the other players will think he is human.

Bud Norris once wrestled away a chicken wing from Carlos lee.

Some people piss their name in the snow. Bud Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Brett Favre sent a text message to Bud Norris last night asking for advice.

Bud Norris once lost a game to the Cardinals, just to see how it feels.

Godzilla stays in Japan because Bud Norris is in America!

Bud Norris votes in the Democratic AND Republican primary!

Bud Norris doesn't vote! He speaks and it is so.

Bud Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

In the 7th inning stretch in Houston, Texas, the crowd sings "Deep in the Heart of Bud Norris."

Pitching machines have 4 speeds. Slow, medium, fast and Bud Norris.

Bud Norris shot J.R... and got away with it.

Luke Skywalker channeled Bud Norris to locate the Death Star exhaust port.

Bud Norris once threw a 27-pitch perfect game.

Albert Pujols wears Bud Norris pajamas

When Bud Norris throws a breaking ball, it's not really a breaking ball, the earth is rising to meet it.

Bud Norris just turned back time to June 2nd, 2010 and called Jason Donald out.

The pitching performances of Bud Norris can be played in perfect sequence with Dark Side of the Moon.

Matthew Leach's (a Cardinal writer who is really into music) music playlist is composed entirely of recordings of Bud Norris singing in the shower.

When played backwards, certain Beatles songs nominate Bud Norris for the Cy Young.

Bud Norris is smiling because he's actually left-handed.

ESPN is working on a $3M deal to air "The Decisions" - a 102 part special about Bud Norris's pitch selection vs the Cardinals.

Bud Norris doesnt point to the sky after a successful inning to honor God, God points to the Earth to honor Bud Norris.

The pitching mound warmed up for Bud Norris.

Bud Norris' stuff is so good, he pitches from center field.

The truth: Sure people think it's hot out here. But really it's residual vapors from the lava Bud Norris uses to loosen his arm.